Daily Post Challenge · Uncategorized

WILLPOWER is a MYTH

This idea of “willpower” has been on my mind (a sort of pun there, you’ll get it later), quite a bit lately. However, right now, its mystical powers have left me behind. I started this post too late in the evening/early in the morning, and I don’t have the wakefulness, the drive, nay, the “willpower,” to push-thru and finish before passing out. More on that later. I will add to this draft. Promise. Willpower and the “Conventional Wisdom” which entitles the term’s very existence and thus manifested imposition on our lives, has become kind of a consuming theme in my current state.

Stay Tuned.

Daily Post Challenge · Uncategorized

Long-Term Life Goals=The Inevitably Ephemeral

I found this little notebook, just last night after reading about the latest Daily Post challenge. Filled in with various forms of poetry and a sometimes disturbing river of streaming consciousness writings, (in the penmanship of a 2nd grade boy), and this awesome cliché of a list was also included:

“Goals to Become or Accomplish by Age 35”

 

Yeah, I know.

And now here I am, having just recently celebrated my 36th birthday

Let’s see how many boxes I was able to check off the list:

Mother (duh, Female Goals 101): CHECK.

I am currently a Stay at Home Mom to my 5-year-old son. (Although that SAHM title won’t hold up for long, now that my one child is an almost full-time elementary student, and Mama ain’t no crafty “Homemaker,” when left alone to her own devices.)

Teacher AND Ambassador: CHECK.

– All parents are Insta-Teachers/Ambassadors. For better or worse. Mostly worse.

POLITICAL FIGURE: CHECK.

– I’m totally suicidal. I mean, political. And a (ghastly) figure to boot.

JOURNALIST: CHECK. (But please just don’t check the facts on this one…)

– Blogging and creating online memes count as journalism, right? Trolling fake news to retweet? How about being an avid fan of Full Frontal with Sam Bee and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, etc? Fox news can suck every backwards and crooked dikc they promote. See, only a true journalist would say that.

GUEST ON OPRAH: SEMI-CHECK.

– Um, should have been, but instead of giving me one more minute to blow everyone’s mind, someone got lazy and retired. Ugh. Well, I do “Oprah” myself all of the time. I cry over everything. It’s called seeking fatal doses of heart-breaking perspective, people.

AN ACCOMPLISHED ACTRESS: CHECKish.

– I’ve had my quick 10 minutes of Hollywood fame, like, 7 years ago. Don’t fucking waste your time with imdb.com right now. You don’t even know my name. And if I was ever a big deal, you would already have realized it. But I do have verifiable “acting” credits, and I didn’t say I had to be a good actress, so…

And of course, if ALL else failed, my fall-back goal: Humanitarian.

– Well, if I wasn’t a natural-born humanitarian, and if I am still not a humanitarian by now, in my mid-30s…Then one must beg the question: What the fuck is wrong with me?

The idealism of a delusional 15 year old…But I was 25.

The “10 Year Plan,” is universally fleeting.

Until THIS official “Transcript” happened.

Shit just got real.

goals-by-35

 

 

Daily Post Challenge · Uncategorized

A Cling to Beyond the Stills

I cling to a video that I can no longer find. I put in the url address into Vimeo’s website. I know the video existed once. I was the star. But where did it go? I was so emotionally raw. I want to find that again and feel that. I want my heart to palpitate and try to break over and over. I’m clinging to a lost performance. I cling to the version of Dilate that I can’t seem to locate. I do this every couple of years. Start searching for something that was long ago erased. And even to that inevitably fruitless search, I will cling to nothing and think

Well at least I tried to care again about something.

Cling