That ten-year marker is almost here
I’m not sure what that means, if anything.
Must everything be so intensely commemorated?
Is the amount of time past since an incident so important?
Is it because ‘time heals all wounds?’ Because it doesn’t.
So why keep track
Not every date of death belongs on the calendar.
We barely noticed that our hamster died.
Days must have passed before we realized.
And then another day before we bothered to confirm.
We were too busy trying to keep our new human alive.
So without much of a eulogy and no headstone
A six year old boy buried his pet in the dirt
He didn’t know what the date was
And that was that.
I want my ghost to be that hamster.
Don't just delete Her
She'll haunt You still
But You need to find a way
All of the grieving
And the wounding
You can still cry
You will still cry
But She's gone
You're losing sight
Of this life
Will become dead too.
Procrastination is dumb and Anxiety is stupid.
I hate them both and no longer wish to be their friend.
Please give them that message for me.
I would do it myself,
But I’m nervous and keep putting it off.
And I thought enough
I had gone away
But as it turned out
It was just a short lie
And now I’m back at it
Fiendishly, not unlike before
Because this thing is worse
Than a chemical addiction
I can bite on chalky gum
To stop the carcinogens
And repeat twelve steps
To depreciate the drink
But where is the resolve for this
Which step ends wretchedness
To whom do I make amends first
For crushing and suffocating
Stalking with my wanton cries
But didn’t I suffer the most
Do I console and pity myself
Where is my circle to confide in
How does one gain said serenity
If they can’t jump from truth
Reflecting in compact mirrors
Self-deprecation and bitter flaws
Broken powder conflicted scratching
The filmy face of illuminated hate
Are we really that powerless
Or perhaps it was just me
But I am one step ahead already
At least internally I can outwardly
Breathe an easy admission of issue
And take distorted comforts
With the idea of some bright future
Even if in real time I am aware
I must have purposefully blinked
In my comatose state and I let
Tomorrow sneak past me
While I was deciphering yesterday
And now I realize whole-heartedly
That not just accidentally somehow
But as a result of my mission
To triumph in self-sabotage and oblivion
I lost the slightest ability or hope
Of ever waking up to catch today.
This idea of “willpower” has been on my mind (a sort of pun there, you’ll get it later), quite a bit lately. However, right now, its mystical powers have left me behind. I started this post too late in the evening/early in the morning, and I don’t have the wakefulness, the drive, nay, the “willpower,” to push-thru and finish before passing out. More on that later. I will add to this draft. Promise. Willpower and the “Conventional Wisdom” which entitles the term’s very existence and thus manifested imposition on our lives, has become kind of a consuming theme in my current state.